Decided…

In my life, in the past, whenever I'm about to make big decisions, I always turn to the person I trust and love the most. Whenever they seem disapprove of the decision that I'm about to make, I will change my mind instead. I believe they know better for me and for that, I trust their judgments and believe them till I let them to decide for me.

But for the past few years, I've come to realization that they too don't have all the answer to my questions. They too don't absolutely sure of what is the best for me. There are times when I think back and figure out that my decision was better than theirs but since I chose to listen to them instead, there's no need to regret. I've come to my realization that, only god is perfect and my love ones are only humans. It's ok to listen to myself once in a while and it's ok to politely say no to them once in a while. It's ok for them to be upset for a while if I don't follow their decision, because if they really love me, they won't judge me based on my decision.

I am a person who believes that the best lesson learnt is the one we learn from making mistake or at least the one we can learn from others. I also believe that in life, we need to take risk because if we don't, then it is harder for us to succeed.

I've relied so much on others and it influences my decision making. It's time for me to wake up and decide for myself. Others can advice and I will take their advice with open heart and mind. By saying no to them doesn't mean I've stop loving them, but it means I want to make the best and the best for me is the best for them as well. I do pray that they trust me and if I do make mistake then I do hope they will forgive me and accept it as part of my learning process.

…

My World ( Mari-mari membuang masa 2)

I’m just bored…plain bored in this warm room not knowing what to do…

(I know I have to study…but….hurm..i have no other excuse other than I’m not mentally ready to do any revision…sowiee)

Recently Friendster has been ‘ambush’ with this virus that keeps on sending un-civilised video and message to all of Friendster’s user. Pity Friendster administrator having to deal with this. As for me its simple…just switch to facebook for a while..since there is nothing we can do..unless you’re a computer genius..then you can help them to fix this problem….hurm…

Then recently I went to this recycling centre to sell few kg of old unused documents…it weigh about 62kg but worth only rm3…hahaha…I guess this is why most people just couldn’t care more about recycling…they feel like its not worth their time…oh well…its not really your fault that the world is getting warmer, the climate is changing drastically and surely its not your fault that we’re running out of our natural resources right?....if you say yes….you deserved to be kidnapped by the alien…end of story.

Snatch thieves…thieves…and all kind of thieves…just one thing I want to say… only god can judge you…. : (

That’s all so far…hurmmmmmm

mari mari kita buang masa

Isu 1: Sik boleh berkempen gna blog.....

......heh heh heh...nampaknya isu blog d malaysia semakin complicated...but again...please define wats the meaning of 'berkempen melalui blog'......not dat i have anything to do with it…(erk)...just wondering...just to increase my blogging-knowledge... :P

Isu 2: Bukit Antarabangsa dah runtuh...agak2 nya riverview d kota samarahan akan mengalami nasib yg sama sik?

.....mungkin la sik runtuh…Cuma nya akan mengalami masalah banjir yg maha hebat or maybe akan mengalami hakisan….cuz the housing area is exactly by the river…green green grass by the river? Owh tidak….yang peliknya…if I’m not mistaken…area by the river is legally prohibited (excuse my language) for any type of development…bukan jak nak jaga alam sekitar…but also for safety reason…tetapi…hurmmmm….

Isu 3:….. to be continue later…

Step one you say, "we need to talk"
He walks.
You say, "sit down it's just a talk"
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came...

_how to safe a life_the fray_

Baby, baby
When we first met
I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover
And my best friend
All wrapped into one
With a ribbon on it

_rehab_rihanna_

I can see us holding hands
Walking on the beach, our toes in the sand
I can see us on the countryside
Sitting on the grass, laying side by side

_my love_justin timberlake_

2008

1. Complete my thesis report.
   
2. Enter the working arena.
   
3. Graduate.
   
4. Membentuk Ikatan.
   

   
    

   Pa gik? Haha….tahun yg sangat complicated…dari awal tahun…sampey la hujung tahun….
   

   …bernafas dalam lumpur?
   

   Kadang2 rasa kedak ya…
   

   ….jap…dapat ka bernafas dalam lumpur?
   

   Hahaha….
   

   Ada yang best….ada yang sik best….
   

   Yang terlintas d fikiran nektok….how I cried when he left….
   

   Yang best? Being with him in the car..
   

   Adoi….jadi minah bunga dah… :P (Ya description oleh sorang sasterawan negara!)
   

   Bila fikir2 balit…terasa how much I've grown up…how much my mind has mature…..p lom cukup mature… :P
   

   P honestly la…..terasa perbezaan nya…..rasa cam bila memula masuk unimas dolok..cam masih mudak gilak….muda remaja….tok masih remaja…p sik la semuda ya agik… ;)
   

   Zaman persekolahan dah lamak d tinggalkan…rindu gilak ngan kengkawan smua….
   

   Bila dah keja tok….ramey dah berumahtangga….sekdala gago ngan bergeng-geng agik…huhu
   

   
    

   Hmmmm…………
   

   Sekadar coretan…menghilang ketegangan d dalam hati…

Simple Mind ?

Here's the case. Kmk org d beri keja oleh bos kmk org la. It requires our creativity. Masalahnya…hasil kerja kamek sangat simple n straightforward…sbab bila kmk decore nya, kmk akan decore nya simple2 jak. Bukan malas ka apa (cewah… :P) Cuma kmk rasa nya kacak kedak ya..sik jadi crowded …masalahnya..sidak lain suka nya kedak crowded…tang penuh jak…. Camney tok? Simple gilak kah minda kamek tok?

P nang bena la…based on my experience….majoriti yg kmk penah keja dengan, suka nya tang full jak rupa..wana-wani and macam2 ada…haha…….

Obvious Song

Do you miss me? It's obvious

Do you think about me? It's obvious

I love you, you love me

Obvious obvious obvious

Do you like me? It's obvious

Do you love me? Its obvious

I love you, You love me

Obvious obvious obvious

Don't ever change, its obvious

Forever ever it's obvious

I love you I love you

Even though at times you feel irritable

Even though at times it's difficult

Always think about me

Who'll always be smiling by your side

Even though at times you feel sad

Even though at times it's lonely

Always think of me

Who'll always be with you

p/s: heard it in My Girl(Korean Drama)…so sweet!!!!!!!!

…

Life

Bored

Lonely

Stressful

Unhealthy

Weepy

Angry

Upset

Harder to smile

You Are Bold When it Counts

You don't make a big fuss about getting what you want... unless it's really important to you. Then you're as bold as you want to be. You just go for it! You're often up for a little excitement and adventure. Well, as long as the cost isn't too great. You enjoy risk, but not for it's own sake. Let's just say you've learned a few lessons about risk in your life.

Are You Bold?

You Are Very Approachable

You can talk to anyone, and it shows. People are eager to start conversations with you. You are open and friendly. You are willing to connect with almost anyone. While it's great to be approachable, there is such a thing as too approachable. Eventually someone will try to take advantage of you. Don't be afraid to say no or end an awkward conversation.

Are You Approachable?

…

Flatter me, and I may not believe you.

Criticize me, and I may not like you.

Ignore me, and I may not forgive you.

Encourage me, and I will not forget you.

Love me and I may be forced to love you.

William Arthur Ward

A Ray of Sunshine

Congratulations! You're the eternal optimist, a regular "Sunshine Day" of a person.

When it rains, you think about how good the water is for the flowers and trees rather than how wet you're getting.

More likely to trust someone than not, you always see the good in people. Sure, that opens you up for a few let-downs, but that's okay — your great attitude will help you deal with them if and when they come.

In the long run, it doesn't really matter at all; everything's going to be all right! You like meeting new people and thoroughly enjoy their companionship.

In a nutshell, you just don't dwell on small failures — you learn from your mistakes and do your best to make everyone around you happy to be alive.

Keep it up!

p/s:hahaha....how true is this?

Red

Your color is red, the color of racy sportscars, blushing cheeks, and luscious roses.

Red symbolizes passion, romance, and love. So, since you're ruled by red, you probably trust your feelings more than your brain and tend to act spontaneously.

If you see something you want, you go for it without thinking twice — impulsive is your middle name. You don't wait around for people to make decisions, either; you dive right in.

Quite the romantic, you pay close attention to your emotions. In fact, if your heart isn't in what you're doing, you won't be satisfied.

Of course, even when you do pour all your energy into the projects you tackle, your impetuous nature means your passions can shift as frequently as the wind.

That's why some reds have trouble with commitment.

Our advice? Next time you're feeling fickle, think before you act, if possible. You might be surprised at the results.

Overall, though, it's great to be red. No one lives life more completely than you do.

Sepi

bisikku pada bulan
kembalikan temanku
kekasihku syurgaku

tanpa dia malam menemaniku
sepi memelukku

bulan jangan biar siang biar alam ini kelam
biar ia sepi sepertiku

_filem sepi_

Hadapi Dengan Senyuman

Hadapi dengan senyuman
Semua yang terjadi
Biar terjadi….
Hadapi dengan tenang jiwa
Semua… kan baik baik saja

Bila ketetapan tuhan
Sudah ditetapkan
Tetaplah sudah….
Tak ada yang bisa merubah
Dan takkan bisa berubah

Relakanlah saja ini
Bahwa semua yang terbaik
Terbaik untuk kita semua
Menyerahlah untuk menang

_dewa_

Something to ponder

Jika kamu memancing ikan....setelah ikan itu terlekat di mata kail, hendaklah kamu mengambil terus ikan itu....janganlah sesekali kamu lepaskan ia semula ke dalam air begitu sahaja....kerana ia akan sakit oleh kerana bisanya ketajaman mata kailmu dan mungkin ia akan menderita selagi ia masih hidup.

Begitulah juga setelah kamu memberi banyak pengharapan kepada seseorang...setelah ia mula menyayangimu hendaklah kamu menjaga hatinya....janganlah sesekali kamu terus meninggalkannya begitu sahaja....kerana dia akan terluka oleh kenangan bersamamu dan mungkin tidak dapat melupakan segalanya selagi dia mengingatimu....

Jika kamu menadah air biarlah berpada…jangan terlalu mengharap pada takungannya dan janganlah menganggap ia begitu teguh.... cukuplah sekadar keperluanmu....Apabila sekali ia retak tentu sukar untuk kamu menampalnya semula....akhirnya ia dibuang....sedangkan jika kamu cuba membaikinya mungkin ia masih boleh digunakan lagi....

Begitu juga jika kamu memiliki seseorang terima lah seadanya....Janganlah kamu terlalu mengaguminya dan janganlah kamu menganggapnya begitu istimewa, anggaplah dia manusia biasa…Apabila sekali dia melakukan kesilapan bukan mudah bagi kamu untuk menerimanya....akhirnya kamu kecewa...meninggalkannya. Sedangkan jika kamu memaafkannya boleh jadi hubungan kamu akan berterusan hingga ke akhirnya....

Jika kamu telah memiliki sepinggan nasi...yang kamu pasti baik untuk dirimu. Mengenyangkan. Berkhasiat. Mengapa kamu berlengah, cuba mencari makanan yang lain…Terlalu ingin mengejar kelazatan. Kelak, nasi itu akan basi dan kamu tidak boleh memakannya. Kamu akan menyesal.

Begitu juga jika kamu telah bertemu dengan seorang insan.....yang kamu pasti membawa kebaikan kepada dirimu. Menyayangimu. Mengasihimu. Mengapa kamu berlengah, cuba membandingkannya dengan yang lain. Terlalu mengejar kesempurnaan. Kelak, kamu akan kehilangannya apabila dia menjadi milik orang lain. Kamu juga yang akan menyesal....

p/s: diz wasn't mine. Copy & paste it from sumwhere.. :)

Expectancy

Never expect your partner to do it if you didn't tell them yourself.

I always thought that I've been in enough relationships before to know and understand this fact. Never expect your partner to do it if you didn't tell them yourself. If they did, it's a very warm and pleasant surprise for you but if they don't, it spelt D.I.S.A.S.T.E.R. ok…maybe not disaster, but usually it'll make the two of you fights.

Girls expect boys to call them always…

Boys expect girls to give them space to watch football…

Girls expect boys to understand why some time she is so moody…

Boys expect girls to understand why they can be so stressful some time…

The list goes on and on.

But sometimes girls forgot to stop expecting things and start hoping and wishing he would do something that she wants but refuse to tell him.

Never expect your partner to do it if you didn't tell them yourself.

If you want something, let them know. Be honest but soft and gentle or you'll be known as a 'controlling queen'. :P

Have a nice day people and stop arguing over small simple things.

LDR

LDR=long distance relationship.

The end.

Sometimes...

Sometimes i hate the rain....it makes me remember all the stuff that i'm trying to forget.
Sometimes i love it...cuz the day seems cleaner after the rain...the grass look greener and fresh.

Sometimes i hate my life especially when i feel like i'm losing control of it.
Sometimes i just love it cuz i know i am lucky to be blessed with such a wonderful family and friends.

hahaha....didnt really kno what i'm trying to say.... :p

lets play my bro's psII.....anyone interested to join? lets play the resident evil shall we?....hurm...

Things I have learnt…

1. They can only advice, the decision is yours to make… but if you don't follow their advice, they will be heartbroken…deal with that.
   
2. You can do whatever you think is right, make the best decision for yourself….do something that we would do for you….cause we are right…you are…hmmm
   
3. Though there are saying' learn from your mistakes'…don't you ever ever make your own decision because your decision is always wrong and just plain wrong.
   
4. If you have problems, we can always discuss. If you are unhappy with what we said, tell us, then we can argue…or at least you can see our sad faces and feel bad about that.
   

   
   

   Entahlah
   

   Ever feel so hopeless before?
   

   It's like everything that you do is just plain wrong?
   

   Your mind... people tells you to make your own decision, but when you do, they disagree with you. When you ask for their advice, they said it's all up to you. When you finally decide, they get disappointed and said you don't discuss with them at first. Didn't I tried to discuss it first? I did, didn't I?
   

   How can I discuss my problem with people that I'm not comfortable to talk with? Person that are so close to me but yet I keep my feelings and problems from them cause I'm just not able to share what exactly I feel…and every time I tried, I fail because it will makes me realize that what I want doesn't matter. Because what I want is just 'negative'…
   

   It makes me so confuse and lose track…till I forget what that I want is. I have plans. I have good plans…well used to…till I have to discuss it and it just dissolve into air, just like the words I said. Nobody listens….they hear my voice…but it's just a voice…discuss is an interaction between two or more people right? Right?
   

   They want us to go grow up and be independent. Be able to make your own decision. Is that so? What about the time when you tell us your dreams about us? When you said you wish we would do this and that…are we suppose to just ignore it or what?
   

   People tells me to be more frank with what I feel, what I think. Then I have to deal with the pain myself? The pain of breaking your heart because I have my own idea and it doesn't match yours? Or the pain I feel when seeing you being so frustrated that I didn't agree with you?...
   

   Sometimes I'm just so confused and blocked all of my feelings. Oh please…nobody really has the time to hear me out anyway….life must go on…
   

Lincoln’s Letter to his Son’s Teacher

He will have to learn, I know,

that all men are not just,
all men are not true.
But teach him also that
for every scoundrel there is a hero;
that for every selfish Politician,
there is a dedicated leader…
Teach him for every enemy there is a friend,

Steer him away from envy,

if you can,
teach him the secret of
quiet laughter.

Let him learn early that

the bullies are the easiest to lick…
Teach him, if you can,
the wonder of books…
But also give him quiet time
to ponder the eternal mystery of birds in the sky,
bees in the sun,
and the flowers on a green hillside.

In the school teach him

it is far honourable to fail
than to cheat…
Teach him to have faith
in his own ideas,
even if everyone tells him
they are wrong…
Teach him to be gentle
with gentle people,
and tough with the tough.

Try to give my son

the strength not to follow the crowd
when everyone is getting on the band wagon…
Teach him to listen to all men…
but teach him also to filter
all he hears on a screen of truth,
and take only the good
that comes through.

Teach him if you can,

how to laugh when he is sad…
Teach him there is no shame in tears,
Teach him to scoff at cynics
and to beware of too much sweetness…
Teach him to sell his brawn
and brain to the highest bidders
but never to put a price-tag
on his heart and soul.

Teach him to close his ears

to a howling mob
and to stand and fight
if he thinks he's right.
Treat him gently,
but do not cuddle him,
because only the test
of fire makes fine steel.

Let him have the courage

to be impatient…
let him have the patience to be brave.
Teach him always
to have sublime faith in himself,
because then he will have
sublime faith in mankind.

This is a big order,

but see what you can do…
He is such a fine little fellow,
my son!

~ Abraham Lincoln~

Kenapa saya selalu lewat ke pejabat?

Kenapa saya selalu lewat ke pejabat?

Saya bangun awal. Uiii…..awal sungguh saya bangun. Sekitar 3 pagi, saya sudah mengetuk2 papan kekunci komputer riba saya (maklumlah, banyak 'keja'..heh heh). Jam 4 saya akan turun ke bawah dan membuat air untuk diri sendiri supaya tidak mengantuk.

Menghampiri jam 5, saya akan mula berasa cemas, sebab kerja yang perlu disiapkan belum siap dan mungkin tidak sempat siap. Namun saya tidak berputus asa. Berehat sebentar, menjalankan tanggungjawab. Kemudian, dalam keadaan adrenalin mengalir ke seluruh urat saraf, dan jantung 'berdetak-detum' kerana cemas, saya gagahkan juga menyiapkan kerja yang perlu disiap namun belum siap dan mungkin tidak sempat siap.

Jam 5.28 pagi, kerja yang tadinya belum siap dan mungkin tidak sempat siap, akhirnya siap juga. Saya berhenti membuat kerja dan membuka Facebook pula. Oh…itu amat penting untuk menghentikan aliran adrenalin di dalam badan sebelum membuat kerja lain.

Pada jam 5.35, saya kena mandi dan bersiap-siap.

Jam 5.55, aliran adrenalin di dalam badan bermula sekali lagi. Jantung yang tadinya sudah tenang, 'berdetak-dentum' dengan lebih pantas. Saya belum memilih pakaian, belum menseterika dan belum bersiap-siap. Macam mana ini?(detik hati saya yang 'berdetak-dentum').

5 minit kemudianàmemilih baju

5minit selepas 5 minit tadiàmasih memilih baju

3minit selepas 5 minit keduaàmula menseterika pakaian

15 minit selepas itu, selesai menseterika pakaian.

Maksudnya sekarang sudah jam 6.23.

Oh tidak! Hanya 7 minit untuk bersiap?!

Hahaha….and the rest is history. I have to get out from my house by 6.40 the latest, or I'll be late for sure and get a 'red-print' on my punch card. Isk….

Seriously…. I need to be more serious….

Aku & Kau@Ko

I have this extreme dislike for people using 'aku-kau/ko' when talking to me unless that person has use it since day one he/she talks to me.

It upsets me so much, especially if he/she uses it when he/she is mad or upset at me. To me, that is rude and I get extremely upset when someone being rude to me.

Yes, I've been rude to you once before…but what did I get? What did I do to make it up? Have I ever done it again?

Mind your language…

Sometimes I wonder why I have to focus to the little details because when I think about it, it'll only upset me.

Sometimes I asked myself, what is it that I really want in my life?

Sometimes I asked myself, do I really don't mind being unable to control my own life?

Sometimes I asked myself, am I so lousy in making decision? Till people surrounding me didn't trust me to make my own decision…?

….words…

…Today…

It is as hectic as always.

I woke up at 3.30am…just to be late to work as usual!

As busy as I am at school for the last couple of weeks, I started to enjoy my work more. I guess it's because I don't have the stress of trying so hard to teach students that don't even know why they are in school. It's stressful and really frustrating.

The 'prize-giving' ceremony is so soon, so most of us are busy with that. Not mentioning that we have dinner that night. Despite the fact that my mind is so crowded with so many things, my back ache from the long hours in front of the laptop and all the changes from here and there, I like my job now. I think I'm more suited to be in the management.

Erk….i can't even manage my time efficiently…huhuhu… :P

p/s: Happy graduation Kids! (kids?hehehe)

Stray Cats n Dogs n Rabbits! Hahaha…

I hate stray cats n dogs (and rabbits? Eheh)…. But I hate the previous owner even more. I'm sure the dogs n cats has owner before but they ran away cuz they are being mistreated. Worse, the owner didn't even bother to look for them. So irresponsible! Pity the dogs n cats for having to 'kais pagi, makan pagi. Kais petang, makan petang'. Not mentioning the skin disease and whatever disease they might get all their life and nobody care for them. They will just wondering around. Looking for food in the garbage till someone hit them while they're crossing the road. If they are lucky, their remains will be clean up soon. Or else, their dead body would be left to rot on the road…

Cikgu Fiela

Went to the bank today, to cash my cheque (erk…don't worry…its just a small sum of money..heh heh…)…when suddenly the guy at the counter said this to me, " cikgu kah?" I was so surprised but I just smile widely and nod.

All the time I'm at the counter, I keep on asking myself, is it that obvious? Is it written on my forehead that I'm a teacher? I don't mind people know me that I'm a teacher now, I just didn't like it when I am so predictable and read-able (heh heh…new word for the day).

Oh well… I am still asking myself, how do people know that I'm a teacher? This is not the first time. Isk…

Oh by the way, as I was walking away from the counter, the guy said, "makseh cikgu"….hahaha…. I do get that a lot lately. :P

...how much a heart can take?...

…remorseful…

I did something really drastic today. It has been lingering in my mind for weeks, but didn't really think about it thoroughly because I know he wouldn't like it. But today, I just went out of my mind and decide I need to do this, to prevent further damage to myself.

Initially I'm happy with my decision. I like it and I'm happy I can do something for myself. Sadly, later today, when I told him, he didn't like it and I feel so remorseful. So upsettingly remorseful. Bear in mind that it's not permanent. It will grow back within time and it will be better next time.

…I don't know what to say. Kadang-kadang, kita kena pujuk hati sendiri…

A child

There's a boy. He's in a good class. His appearance was presentable, neat n clean. He is not a genius, but he has potential. He was caught cheating on 3 of his exam papers (it could be more than 3 though). In the same week, he was caught smoking in the school compound. On last day of the same week, he was identified as one of the student that was in a big fight outside the school gate. What is wrong?

 

There's a girl, a hardworking girl. Always get good grades for her exams. Her mum is always 'behind' her. Her mum tells her that she must score A for all of her subjects. She MUST score A for all of her subject. Last day of exam, she was caught with notes in her pocket… Whose fault that was?

 

Between her/himself, parents and teachers who is to blame? It's not about pointing fingers, but it's about finding the root of the problem, and when doing so, we will realize that, there is someone to blame.

 

Once someone told me, 'anak tu, adalah apa yang di bentuk oleh ibubapa'.

 

However, once the child has all grown up and able to think for her/himself, should parents really take the blame?

 

What about teachers? A child spends more time with her/his teachers than with their parents. Don't the teachers have some influence in the child life?

 

…

…something…

Hak cipta terpelihara…d copy&paste dari mazafirzie…heh heh

"Lepas basuh pinggan, ikut Abah pergi masjid," kata Abah separuh memerintah.

Aku memandang kepada Emak. Emak angguk sahaja. Maksudnya emak mahu aku ikut Abah solat subuh ke masjid.

Jangan melawan.

Nampaknya, aku kena batalkan niat untuk sambung tarik gebar selepas
kenyang bersahur.

Aku bonceng di belakang. Kami tidak pakai helmet. Kopiah sahaja.

Ganjil. Dalam cahaya suram menjelang subuh, aku lihat kubah masjid
berada di tanah. Bukan di bumbung masjid. Ajaib.

Abah macam tidak nampak keganjilan itu. Aku cuit bahu dia dan tunjukkan
ke arah kubah yang berada di tanah. Mungkin kubah itu tengah sujud fikir aku.

"Kenapa?" tanya Abah.

"Lailatuqadar," kata aku dengan jari masih menunjuk kepada kubah.

"Kepala otak engkau. Berapa lama engkau tak ke masjid?"

Tidak pasal-pasal aku kena marah. Rosak pengalaman suci aku ini.

"Diorang tengah renovate masjid la. Bumbung masjid bocor.. pasal tu
kubah tu dorg angkat letak kat tanah..Bodoh," sambung Abah memaki lagi.

Kalau emak ada di sini tentu dia angguk sahaja. Terima sahajalah. Jangan melawan.

Kadang-kadang Abah lupa yang aku tidak duduk kampung lagi.

Aku cuma pulang untuk cuti raya.

…I live my life for you…

Y'know you're everything to me and I could never see
The two of us apart
And you know I give myself to you and no matter what you do
I promise you my heart
I've built my world around you and I want you to know
I need you like I've never needed anyone before
I live my life for you
I want to be by your side in everything that you do
And if there's only one thing you can believe is true
I live my life for you
I dedicate my life to you, you know that I would die for you
But our love would last forever
And I will always be with you and there is nothing we can't do
As long as we're together
I just can't live without you and I want you to know
I need you like I've never needed anyone before
I live my life for you

The numbness of my heart.

It's not supposed to be this way. Its supposed to be something so full of joy. Stressful yes, but full with joy. Not crying and trying to forget the pain your heart feels all the time.

 

Sometimes I'm so weak that I can't decide for myself. Upsetting yes but that is me. I am the one who drags along the cow no matter how slow they are, or how burdening they are, because to me, in the end, I still need them. I need them now and I need them later.

 

I am the one, who eats the strawberries of the cake, or simply finish-up the icing, then find an excuse so I won't have to eat the cake itself. But in the end, because of feeling guilty, I just eat up the whole cake, to make up for the fact that I eat the strawberries first.

 

However, there are parts in my life that I want it to be perfect, and for that, I push aside my desire to taste the icing of the cake, but simply eat the cake first and save the yummy-mouth watering icing for later.

 

Or should I put it this way? I plant the roses of bed in the hot glaring sun so that I can smell the sweetness of roses and see the beautiful roses later in my life?

 

Metaphore. …

My weekend…

Smalam ada kelas tambahan with my students. Didn't really teach them…just sharing tips on how to answer the exam question and how to make their revision. Had a nice time with them. Just that I wish I knew more so that I can help them more…but it's kind of frustrating knowing that they are not really 'hardworking' when it comes to doing their revision. I think they have given up on my subject. My subject? Hahaha….what am I thinking? Why should I acknowledge the 'amanah' that's not really mine in the first place? Isk…

In the afternoon I spend my time doing…hmmmph….can't remember what I did yesterday. Its just another boring Saturday.

Today. Sunday. In the morning, wash my car (hahaha)…then went to the library to find some reference books, then in the afternoon, go out with my parents and sister and brother, looking for that kasut raya. Iskhh….went home empty handed. I guess I was too choosy when it comes to buying shoes. Well, there's this pair that I really like, but my beloved that decided that its too 'high' for me. He didn't want me to damage my feet and my back bone. Iskhhh…thanks dad.

Well, that's my boring weekend. Tomorrow start working again. Another week to go before the Hari Raya break…then another week to go before he come.. Yeay! Can't wait dear. U asked me why am I so unmotivated lately…well…"dah orang tersayang jauh. Mana ada semangat…isk"…

Unstable Fiela

Life…boring…routine…boring...stressfull…boring…lonely…boring…

Isk…

Which reminds me…I loose my temper in one of my class that day. 2 of the boys just drive me crazy. It's suppose to be a good class but the two 'attention deprived' students just ruin it all. I can joke around with my students, I can smile and even laugh at their jokes. I can answer their not-so-academic question. I can entertain them like they are my friends. But I do have the limit. I am their teacher after all and when they just cross the line even after I warned them again and again, it'll just make me loose my temper. Hmm…enough about that.

I sleep too much…and perhaps eat so much more than I needed to. I hate to admit the fact that since I'm a child till this very moment, my mind has never been stop thinking about my weight. But I'm proud to say that it doesn't bother me that much anymore. Haha…I am letting it go finally. This is me. I love to eat and just hate to exercise (iskhh)…but at least I'm watching my diet to prevent me from getting all the weight-related-illness.

Raya is just around the corner. I barely notice that bulan puasa is close to the ends. Am I excited? Not really. I badly miss my childhood, when raya is the happiest day of my life. Well, so does my birthday. Hehehe…

In two weeks time he'll be here. Am I excited? I was more in pain waiting for that day. Dah sik sabar gilak. Then, when he's here, I'll fear for the day when he leaves again. Hmmm…am I a negative person? Seems like it. But I'm happy he's here. After months of video call and chatting and phonecall, finally I can see him in person again. And not hearing his voice through my earphone or my phone….wat a blessing to finally meet him and spend my time with him…the problem is…I'm working that week! Urghhhhhh….

The bottom line is, I'm still looking for that silver lining on the dark dark sky…..

Things that I miss in my life…

 

I miss my childhood…when everything seems so simple and happy and bright and shiny. A scratched knee is easier healed than a broken heart.

I miss my school friends…my close friends during my school-year. I miss the chat, the teasing, the laugh and the tears that we share. All the fight between us seems so ridiculously funny now. I miss my teachers as well. The persons that teach me so much more than what's in the textbook.

I miss my matrix life. Labuan Matriculation College. Just one year but so packed with bittersweet memories. Its like every breath that I take in Labuan has its on memory. The UJ…the short n 'usang' bus. The 'fierce' pak guard. The yummy food in (hahaha….forgot that name already..isk….aieee…apa oo…kedey makan kat korner ya bah. Kat simpang dari main road nak ke matriks ya.) isk… The mentor mentee activities. The packed class. My crazy tutorial mate. My caring roommate. My ever-so-understanding-and-just-like-me bestfriend. I miss them all.

I miss my student life in UNIMAS. My housemates whom just love to 'berjoli'. My tutorial mate who just loves to nicknamed me and my friends…executive ek? Hehehe… My juniors who just love to chant 'kak fiela! Kak fiela!" hehehe… My patient lecturers…so caring… I miss the time when I get to choose when to go to the class. The time when I can decide to melaram to class or not. Hahaha…..those were the days. So much fun. So much memories.

Most of all…I miss the time that we spend together before he took off. So many miles, away from here. The food! Hehe…we always went to get something to eat. Trying the new restaurant…during that time, I have breakfast, morning break, lunch, high tea, dinner n supper. Hahaha…no wonder I gain so much weight. :P i do miss you dear…

In my life…as I grew older, there are just so many things that I miss. No…I don't regret things. It's said and done. What's over is over. The past is history. I am now looking forward for my happy ending. Just sometimes, when I feel my responsibility getting heavier, I wish I could become a child again. I would sit silently and think. Since I can't go back, then, I just have to make the best of everything that I am now.

:)

We’ve grown up…

    When I saw a friend of mine in his working attire just now, I feel so 'old'. We were schoolmate since primary 1 and now I saw him in his working attire. It reminds me of how much time has pass. Even me myself has started working, although I'm planning to further my study soon enough.

    Some of us even already plans that special day, the day when you make a vows to share your life with your partner for the rest of your life. Aha…perhaps one day I will see my friend tagging along her 3 children and that will make me feel quite old. HuHu… eh… it might be me bringing along my chubby child. Hehe…

    When I really think of it, we are just 22 years old. Or is it already 22 years old? 22 don't sound that old right? I really don't know.

    I do miss my childhood. I bet all of us does. We long for the time when our only responsibility is get good grade in school and take out the trash at home every day. And if we neglect our responsibility, all we get is a reminder from mum, be better next time and things will be just fine…

    The world is getting closer to the end, that's why we barely realize how fast time passes us by…

....that's how i feel right now...every time i close my eyes, i see the 'setan' running away with my handbag...then how they stare at me from their from-hell-motorcycle.... when i close my eyes...i feel my heart pumping full-with-anger-and-regret blood to every inch of my body...and all i can do is take a deep breath and let it go....

...but no...i'm not the type of person who easily let go of something that i really treasured. The most treasured things taken from me was the gift he gave me. Something he has been using for years and holding it in my palms, gives me that closeness feeling to him. That is what i miss the most right now and that is what drives me so mad and angry....

...i curse all the thieves that ever exist in this world. The one who thought they are so successfully living in their stealing world!...the food they eat is never halal and the things they do never 'diredhai'....wait till the judgement day!

Location: Teacher’s Room SMK **

It is school holiday but no holiday for the teachers. At least not for the Guru Sandaran & Guru Ganti. I'm not really complaining since I only have to be here for four hours each day and after all I have lots to do anyway. Yup! Marking the students exam paper, and since I'm the class teacher, I need to fill in the marks in the Report Card and do the marks statistics..isk…now I'm complaining… :P Temporary teacher and have a class to monitor….huwaaaaa……worse….its one of the worst form 1 class in the school. Isk.

I'm the class teacher for 1k. Have to teach them P.Seni and P.Moral. Yup! Hahahaha….my former classmates would have laugh their head off(isk) when they heard this. They know, everyone knows how much Fiela hates P.Seni back then and now she has to teach P.Seni! :P Its not really hard actually. I just have to prepare examples of the drawings that I want them to draw that day, which I can simply get from the calendar and magazines. Worst come to worst, I just asked them to draw anything they like.

However, this is not an ordinary school. Here, the teachers have to do all the extra works. For example, it is my responsibility to bring the drawing paper for any class I'll be teaching P.Seni that day, or else, they won't have any paper to draw onto. If I want their drawings to be nicely colored, it's up to me to prepare the color pencils or crayon. Sometimes, they don't have any pencils and eraser! Is this a 'poor-student' school? No! The students bring hand-phone to the school! They just fail to put aside some money to buy their school-stuffs!

What makes it worst is the students, about 5-8 of them who are really 'attention-deprived' students and just drives me mad each and every time. I really can't stand this group of students. So noisy and rude! They didn't care how mad I am…they don't care how noisy they are….they don't care that they are interrupting me teaching the class…they didn't care at all. They didn't care that there's a teacher in front of the class, waiting for them to be quiet so she can start talking to the whole class. They just don't care! When the entire class shivers because of my angriness, they could laugh and joke around! And yes, I am a 'garang' teacher when the class is so noisy n out of control. But perhaps not garang enough for them…..isk…..

Yes. I am complaining! It can be observes that the teacher are working so hard to help the students, when the students don't really care. I feel sorry for these students!

"kerana nila setitik, rosak susu sebelanga"

Isu Beli Seat Konvo!

Isk….alkisahnya tersebarlah berita mengatakan fiela mok beli seat konvo.

Bukan Bukan!

Maksud fiela adalah, mun ada seat kosong, dari mana2 graduan yg parentsnya sikpat datang, fiela mok. N I quote, "mun seat ya termasuk dalam bayaran yuran, fiela akan bayar!" dats wat I meant! Bukannya bermaksud fiela akan beli seat ya! It is totally unethical to me!

Masa tulis notis ya, I'm not sure if the seat was included in the convo fee or not. Alu ada la sorang tok bermurah hati menjual kan seat nya kepada fiela dengan harga yang sik terlalu murah. Sorry…but I have pride. I do have the money…but 'sik kerana fiela ada duit, fiela leh beli segalanya'

Ya lah tek…harapan bah…cek cek dewan nang kosong time konvo! Kamek nak ngembak spuloh orang masuk pun boleh. HaHaHaHa

So tutup kes!

Pengajarannya…

entahlah....

Fiela pun sik tauk apa pengajarannya.

Maybe pengajaran kepada si penjual kot. Janganla segalanya di jual….isk

Alasan Lelaki Menamatkan Zaman Bujang…

Antara 11 alasan golongan lelaki bersedia mengakhiri zaman bujang:

 

Pelengkap hidup

Lelaki merasakan bahawa setiap fasa hidup yang mereka tempuhi sudah menghampiri ke tahap yang sempurna. Mempunyai pekerjaan yang tetap, kewangan yang mencukupi dan memiliki pasangan yang serasi, membuatkan mereka memikirkan masa depan yang lebih bahagia dengan sebuah ikatan perkahwinan.

 

Hidup lebih terurus

Mungkin selama ini dia kurang mendapat perhatian daripada orang tuanya. Semua perkara yang diperlukan, dinikmati seorang diri. Sehingga dia memerlukan seseorang yang mampu membuatkan dirinya berasa nyaman dan dapat memenuhi setiap keperluan hariannya.

 

Kewangan yang mantap

Dia telah mempunyai sumber kewangan yang tetap yang dianggap sebagai modal untuk mengharungi alam rumah tangga bersama pasangan yang dicintai.

 

Bosan hidup membujang

Bagi lelaki yang sudah puas mengharungi pahit dan manis selama hidup membujang, pernikahan adalah solusi terakhir yang dianggap tepat untuk mereka keluar dari situasi kebosanan.

Walaupun kenikmatan hidup membujang membuatkan dia berasa dirinya aman dan tiada kongkongan hidup, tetapi lama-kelamaan, dia akan merasakan hidupnya kosong tanpa wanita di sisi.

 

Terlalu menyintai

Saat merasa cintanya terlalu mendalam terhadap pasangannya, hatinya menjadi semakin egois untuk memiliki kamu, kekasih paling disayangi.

Untuk memastikan pasangannya tidak berpaling tadah terhadap lelaki lain, jalan terbaik yang harus ditempuhi adalah dengan memutuskan alasan untuk menikah. Dalam hati kecilnya, pasti menyedari bahawa hidup tanpa si dia seperti tinggal di dalam dunia yang tidak penghuni.

 

Sudah bersedia

Dari segi mental dan fizikalnya, dia merasakan sudah bersiap sedia untuk melanjutkan hubungan ke alam pernikahan. Bagi lelaki, mereka memerlukan masa untuk membuat persiapan mental sebelum memasuki ke gerbang perkahwinan.

 

Ingin punyai keturunan

Seperti juga kaum wanita, sebahagian besar lelaki menginginkan keturunan yang boleh dibanggakan.

 

Cepatkan hubungan intim

Hubungan cinta yang dijalinkan sejak sekian lama begitu menguji kesetiaan dan pemikiran pasangan bercinta. Bagi mereka, bertengkar dan cemburu sememangnya menjadi fitrah dalam kehidupan seharian. Disebabkan itu juga, mereka memutuskan untuk bernikah selain dapat mengukuhkan hubungan intim.

 

Secocok

Mereka merasakan kamu dan dirinya seperti kepingan puzzle yang saling melengkapi. Mempunyai minat dan hobi yang sama, tahu akan karakter masing-masing dan pandai menyingkap setiap persoalan di antara kamu berdua. Baginya, tiada orang lain yang dapat memahami dirinya selain kamu, kekasih sejati.

 

Desakan orang tua

Sekadar memenuhi tuntutan orang tua, membuatkan seorang lelaki mengajak pasangannya berkahwin. Hal ini antara lain adalah kerana orang tuanya sudah uzur dan tidak sabar melihat anaknya hidup bahagia di samping cucu-cucu mereka atau melihat anaknya sudah secocok dengan pasangannya.

 

Desakan kekasih

Lelaki akan berasa tercabar sekiranya mereka dipaksa melakukan sesuatu perkara yang dianggap belum bersedia.

...Short but sweet....

It's simple and short but sweet and brings tears to my eyes.

I was invited for a 'lunch' last Sunday. She invited me as if it was a casual lunch so being me; I'm late about half an hour than planned. When I arrived, I feel nothing except for the glaring sun and I remember complaining what a hot day it was as I step out of my car. Oh yeah, not mentioning the warmness I felt when I see baby-bink parked in the house porch and my giggle when I realize that the house-owner's car is actually park outside the house, perhaps to provide shelter to baby-bink? Isk…

The greeting I receive as I enter the house was the high-pitch voice saying, "Naper lambat?" hahaha…sorry sis….didn't mean to keep aaaaall of you waiting. Isk.

Holding the ice-cream (that I bought earlier), slowly I walk into the kitchen area. Then everything was a blurr. I remember being surprised but smilling when I saw one of the girls are recording the moment, but still it hasn't occurred to me anything.

Then…"Happy birthday to you…"…hahaha…they sang that song. Turning around, I saw a half-melted ( :P ) chocolate cake on the table….with 2 big candles and 2 small candles..hehehe… I was surprised…. It was a very sweet surprise…it was a very unforgettable surprise..it was a very emotional surprise…it was a very simple and short but sweet surprise.

It was a surprise that I love the most through my 22 years of living because not in my slightest thought thinks that they were holding a surprise birthday party for me. Not at all…and I love it so much…thank you so much….you know who you are…it is something so deep and I truly appreciate it. Thank you so much….

The yummy yummy food…especially the yummy yummy cake…I was so surprised that I forgot to take any pictures…huwaaa….but the cake was so yummy yummy yummy…. :P

…me and beloved baby bink…bergamba tgh panas...demi baby bink terchenta...hahaha….

…on the way home….kenyang…happy…but missing him badly... :(

...the gifts from nihon... :D

Students owh students…..

Sometimes I get so stressed up with my new work. I knew that teaching is not that easy and simple. But the facts that the students are really 'kurang ajar' really drained up all my energy. Sometimes, I just ignore them and continue teaching in that noisy-out-of-control environment and feel awfully sorry for those who really want to learn. More than few times, I enter the class silently not even answering their greetings. I smile weakly to 'my sweethearts' in the class then sit down at the teacher's chair till the class settle down. This takes them about 15-20 minutes. Then I would start writing some notes on the blackboard and the 'devils' start to loose their mind again. Explaining time is more painful. I have to raise my voice to make sure my voice can be heard for whoever wants to learn. Asking the class to be quiet is just wasting my time and my voice. At the end of the day, I feels like I have no voice left.

But I do love teaching. Teaching my sweethearts. I called this group of students my sweetheart because that's who they are. They are not angel but they are no devil either. They are just normal kids and reminds me of my own beloved brother. Yes, they get naughty and tease me from time to time but they know their limits. They listen (or at least pretend to) when I explain things to the whole class. And they are the ones who makes me love my job despite the heavy workload…and trust me when I said teachers do have heavy workloads…especially those who are involve with the school management. As for me, being a form teacher for a problematic class is more than enough for me to handle. You have to meet the pengetua and the guru disiplin and the cikgu kaunseling. Not mentioning that you have to contact the parents and so on.

Isk. Most students are attention-deprived nowadays and school is where they get most attention and that is why they are behaving that way.

Immaturity

Sometimes feels like you’r in a black deep hole, unable to get out… unable to do anything. You feel so hopeless with yourself. You badly want things to change, you want things to be better for yourself, but you are too lazy to do anything...

Perhaps this is what happens when you have been spoon-fed since you’re a baby until you can drive a car. Hehe…how irony…not mentioning that I’m turning 22 real soon. 22 years old. Who would have thought, fiela has been breathing in this world for 22 years old and she still can’t make her own wise decision.