The numbness of my heart.

It's not supposed to be this way. Its supposed to be something so full of joy. Stressful yes, but full with joy. Not crying and trying to forget the pain your heart feels all the time.

 

Sometimes I'm so weak that I can't decide for myself. Upsetting yes but that is me. I am the one who drags along the cow no matter how slow they are, or how burdening they are, because to me, in the end, I still need them. I need them now and I need them later.

 

I am the one, who eats the strawberries of the cake, or simply finish-up the icing, then find an excuse so I won't have to eat the cake itself. But in the end, because of feeling guilty, I just eat up the whole cake, to make up for the fact that I eat the strawberries first.

 

However, there are parts in my life that I want it to be perfect, and for that, I push aside my desire to taste the icing of the cake, but simply eat the cake first and save the yummy-mouth watering icing for later.

 

Or should I put it this way? I plant the roses of bed in the hot glaring sun so that I can smell the sweetness of roses and see the beautiful roses later in my life?

 

Metaphore. …

My weekend…

Smalam ada kelas tambahan with my students. Didn't really teach them…just sharing tips on how to answer the exam question and how to make their revision. Had a nice time with them. Just that I wish I knew more so that I can help them more…but it's kind of frustrating knowing that they are not really 'hardworking' when it comes to doing their revision. I think they have given up on my subject. My subject? Hahaha….what am I thinking? Why should I acknowledge the 'amanah' that's not really mine in the first place? Isk…

In the afternoon I spend my time doing…hmmmph….can't remember what I did yesterday. Its just another boring Saturday.

Today. Sunday. In the morning, wash my car (hahaha)…then went to the library to find some reference books, then in the afternoon, go out with my parents and sister and brother, looking for that kasut raya. Iskhh….went home empty handed. I guess I was too choosy when it comes to buying shoes. Well, there's this pair that I really like, but my beloved that decided that its too 'high' for me. He didn't want me to damage my feet and my back bone. Iskhhh…thanks dad.

Well, that's my boring weekend. Tomorrow start working again. Another week to go before the Hari Raya break…then another week to go before he come.. Yeay! Can't wait dear. U asked me why am I so unmotivated lately…well…"dah orang tersayang jauh. Mana ada semangat…isk"…

Unstable Fiela

Life…boring…routine…boring...stressfull…boring…lonely…boring…

Isk…

Which reminds me…I loose my temper in one of my class that day. 2 of the boys just drive me crazy. It's suppose to be a good class but the two 'attention deprived' students just ruin it all. I can joke around with my students, I can smile and even laugh at their jokes. I can answer their not-so-academic question. I can entertain them like they are my friends. But I do have the limit. I am their teacher after all and when they just cross the line even after I warned them again and again, it'll just make me loose my temper. Hmm…enough about that.

I sleep too much…and perhaps eat so much more than I needed to. I hate to admit the fact that since I'm a child till this very moment, my mind has never been stop thinking about my weight. But I'm proud to say that it doesn't bother me that much anymore. Haha…I am letting it go finally. This is me. I love to eat and just hate to exercise (iskhh)…but at least I'm watching my diet to prevent me from getting all the weight-related-illness.

Raya is just around the corner. I barely notice that bulan puasa is close to the ends. Am I excited? Not really. I badly miss my childhood, when raya is the happiest day of my life. Well, so does my birthday. Hehehe…

In two weeks time he'll be here. Am I excited? I was more in pain waiting for that day. Dah sik sabar gilak. Then, when he's here, I'll fear for the day when he leaves again. Hmmm…am I a negative person? Seems like it. But I'm happy he's here. After months of video call and chatting and phonecall, finally I can see him in person again. And not hearing his voice through my earphone or my phone….wat a blessing to finally meet him and spend my time with him…the problem is…I'm working that week! Urghhhhhh….

The bottom line is, I'm still looking for that silver lining on the dark dark sky…..

Things that I miss in my life…

 

I miss my childhood…when everything seems so simple and happy and bright and shiny. A scratched knee is easier healed than a broken heart.

I miss my school friends…my close friends during my school-year. I miss the chat, the teasing, the laugh and the tears that we share. All the fight between us seems so ridiculously funny now. I miss my teachers as well. The persons that teach me so much more than what's in the textbook.

I miss my matrix life. Labuan Matriculation College. Just one year but so packed with bittersweet memories. Its like every breath that I take in Labuan has its on memory. The UJ…the short n 'usang' bus. The 'fierce' pak guard. The yummy food in (hahaha….forgot that name already..isk….aieee…apa oo…kedey makan kat korner ya bah. Kat simpang dari main road nak ke matriks ya.) isk… The mentor mentee activities. The packed class. My crazy tutorial mate. My caring roommate. My ever-so-understanding-and-just-like-me bestfriend. I miss them all.

I miss my student life in UNIMAS. My housemates whom just love to 'berjoli'. My tutorial mate who just loves to nicknamed me and my friends…executive ek? Hehehe… My juniors who just love to chant 'kak fiela! Kak fiela!" hehehe… My patient lecturers…so caring… I miss the time when I get to choose when to go to the class. The time when I can decide to melaram to class or not. Hahaha…..those were the days. So much fun. So much memories.

Most of all…I miss the time that we spend together before he took off. So many miles, away from here. The food! Hehe…we always went to get something to eat. Trying the new restaurant…during that time, I have breakfast, morning break, lunch, high tea, dinner n supper. Hahaha…no wonder I gain so much weight. :P i do miss you dear…

In my life…as I grew older, there are just so many things that I miss. No…I don't regret things. It's said and done. What's over is over. The past is history. I am now looking forward for my happy ending. Just sometimes, when I feel my responsibility getting heavier, I wish I could become a child again. I would sit silently and think. Since I can't go back, then, I just have to make the best of everything that I am now.

:)

We’ve grown up…

    When I saw a friend of mine in his working attire just now, I feel so 'old'. We were schoolmate since primary 1 and now I saw him in his working attire. It reminds me of how much time has pass. Even me myself has started working, although I'm planning to further my study soon enough.

    Some of us even already plans that special day, the day when you make a vows to share your life with your partner for the rest of your life. Aha…perhaps one day I will see my friend tagging along her 3 children and that will make me feel quite old. HuHu… eh… it might be me bringing along my chubby child. Hehe…

    When I really think of it, we are just 22 years old. Or is it already 22 years old? 22 don't sound that old right? I really don't know.

    I do miss my childhood. I bet all of us does. We long for the time when our only responsibility is get good grade in school and take out the trash at home every day. And if we neglect our responsibility, all we get is a reminder from mum, be better next time and things will be just fine…

    The world is getting closer to the end, that's why we barely realize how fast time passes us by…