Changed...

It all started with a back pain. Usually I won’t even realized that I’ve been sitting down for few hours straight but that week, I can’t even sit still for more than half an hour. 

But I just brush it off. Telling myself to take more calcium!

Then I get extra sensitive to smells. I especially hated the citrus/lemon/orangey smell. I truly did. At first I thought someone was wearing an extra strong perfume….a lemon smell. Then I enter my car and I can still smell it! Even when I am in my hubby’s car I can smell it! It’s like I can smell it everywhere and it is driving me nuts. But even then, I just brush it off…I told myself that I am just being dramatic.

Then I become so lethargic. It was bulan puasa. So like others, I fast! By that time, I am already suspecting that something is happening (hehe)…but being me…I told myself to wait…just wait…give it a couple of days or weeks before taking the test…..takut baaa…..but fasting was a real challenge for me. I would become so tired like crazy tired by 10 am! I just told myself to eat better during berbuka puasa and sahur. It helps a little but boy….never thought I could feel that weak and tired. It is not so much as hungry or thirsty. I am just so tired like I didn’t get any sleep or didn’t eat for days (seriously).

And boy oh boy…the toilet breaks I need! It drives me crazy sometimes. I even scared myself by asking, “did I get the urine infection or something?!” ..haha…I know…. :P

Then I went to visit my hubby. I told him my suspicions and surprisingly, he told me to wait as well. Haha. At that moment, I was disappointed with his decision but obey him at the same time….well…sort of. 

So I give it 3 days. 3 days and we didn’t even talk about it (I think! Haha)…then I start to ‘nag’ about it. I was getting anxious. I am late! I have the symptoms. I contacted my close friend and she is supporting me to take the test asap. I was so nervous. So again…brought the subject to Mr.Husband. Finally he agreed. 

We were at his parents’ house at that time. We went to Sunway Carnival Mall, because I told him we can get the test-kit at Watson or (wow….whats the name of the other famous pharmacy?)… anyway…we bought one, go home and I get myself tested. Ooohh….we bought the digital ones! Hehe…..and helo helo….we get the results. 

We were estathic but still can’t believe it. So we went out again (telling his parents we wanted to buy something for berbuka! Haha)…and we drove to the nearest clinic…and it’s closed (it was World Heritage Day or something like that so most of the shops are closed.). Went to KPJ and they told us the specialist is only available on Monday. Went to another clinic, which is luckily open that day but they didn’t have the service. 

So I contacted my sister, asked her how accurate is the test. She said it is accurate. But she also asked us to get a more classic test-kit. Hehe. We went back to Sunway Carnival, went back to the same Watson and bought 2 more. Go home, tested myself and never stop bersyukur ever since.

It was a blessing really. Though it is quite hard for us, cuz we are living apart… but I have never been more grateful in my life. 

Suddenly my life changed….it was changed less than 3 months ago…and now, it has taken another dramatic change… I am grateful..

Mr. Know It All

Ever heard on Hitz.Fm about how much we are wasting our energy on petty stuff like gossiping and getting angry at another driver on the road or something like that?

In other words how we sometimes tend to care over stuff that we shouldn’t have acknowledge at all in the first place.

Lately such thing has been playing on my mind.

It’s easy to get angry at another driver when they overtake us so carelessly like they are the only driver on the road…but for me, its only for a split second … then I am back to my normal self…singing happily to myself.

My question is, what about when I told a friend about that incident later?

e.g a driver is driving so carelessly and he almost crashed into me as I was driving to work. Once at the office, I ran into a colleague and the first thing I told her was how I almost get into an accident…

So my question is, do that means I haven’t let go of the incident?

This is the petty stuff…

There are larger stuff that sometimes people TOLD me that I haven’t let it go… and I would just stare at them, deep inside I asked myself…how on earth can this people tell me what I ‘feel’?

But I am too polite to tell them to STOP TELLING ME WHAT I FEEL …and I just let them say what they want...but more than once I lost my cool and I told them flat to stop doing what they are doing…that would leave them speechless and so far I haven’t regret telling them … sure … that would create a barrier between us but at least they finally realized that they didn’t know everything…especially when it comes to other’s feeling…

Come on people…that is not emotionally intelligent…that is PUTTING WORDS in other’s mouth… and being me…I wanna say my own words at my own tone at my own time…

NUFF said….

Walk the talk, talk the walk

usually my posts are based on my readings, discussions or sometimes my own experience...which is just a pinch...i know....

most of the time i reread my posts during my leisure time without the need for me to re-digest the content all over again.

lately few incidents in my life makes me 'terduduk'....and a voice tells me... it is time for u to walk the talk....

this is the time when nothing can help me except for the knowledge...no matter how trivial it may seems before...

and true enough...more often than not...when i tried to solve a problem, there are times when my mind goes blank...no matter how hard i tried to think...it is just blank....that’s when i realize...how can i digest something when there is nothing?

moral of the story is, learn like u gonna live forever....pray like u gonna die tomorrow ....n ask the right question to the right person at the right time....insya Allah....

...*wats the title?*...

Jgn heartache…u need to focus on what really matters now… Insya Allah there will be happy life after this…

I got this last year, from a friend whom I truly care about. Now a friend is going through a really hard time and my heart truly ached from time to time. I refuse to be the sponge, absorbing all the positive and negative feelings surrounding me. I wanna create my own feelings. But when something this bad happen, seeing you friends face can make your heart ached so badly. The friend who is always calm and collected and smile now and then, is now pale and sick with the emotional pain.

I wish you well. I wish you the warmest time life could give you.

It is time like this I am so grateful to be who I am and be where I am with who I am.

Heard this over the radio last weekend; a motivator reminds us to “kurangkan kebergantungan terhadap manusia”. Meaning does not rely on others to make us happy (or sad). Rely on yourself. It’s your life. If someone turn you down, smile and tell yourself, it’s your fault to put up such expectancy on something you can’t really control (you can’t control other people…you can control yourself though…). Then learn from it… self reliance…

Losing something i've lost

I have lost so much

But I have gain so much more

I’ve lost few important people in my life

Those that I wish would stay around longer

But that is life

Life offer lost along with love and something…(read it somewhere and now I couldn’t find the article. I believe it is from one of the article on Psychology Today..)

Anyway, me and the author think alike (*I’m beaming proudly*)..haha….. anyway, me and him think alike. Just days before reading the article, i’m missing one of my best friends so badly, so in tears, I told my other friend how much I miss that one person and how badly I want things to go back to where they were once again.

I told him I felt like I’ve lost so much this year and feels like I cant stand another lost. I was clearly thinking as I was saying (or typing) it out loud cause my next sentence sounded something like this; “but in the same time I gained so much more”

Truth is I did.

I’ve lost my best friend due to some misunderstanding between us and it breaks my heart and I miss her so very much.

But in the same time, I found someone new, a new best friend that I only met months ago but bonded almost instantly. We are crazy about each other and I am glad I found her.

It’s the same with other aspect in my life. Sometimes I felt like I’ve lost so much but truth is, why mourn over the loss when I have so many other things, good things, still around and they keep on coming.

So please be thankful for what you have. Others lost so much more than we can ever imagine and still they wake up everyday, they heart aching but they smile and face the day as positively as they can.

Smile as much as you can….but most of all, stay calm. Don’t be too excited or too sad…moderation! ;)

self-justification

So many things on my mind lately

So many events and tasks to be completed

The main event was my sister’s wedding

Alhamdulillah it went all smoothly

It’s the end of the year and just when I thought the drama on fb has ended…it started all over again…the fact that someone called me “asshole” do hurt my feelings and it bothers me for a minute or two…for a split second I wanna announce to the world what really happened but luckily I am able to rationalize myself and not to do the same thing.

This morning I thought about self-justification and I realized that it is more about consoling our own self, rather than telling people the truth so that they can stop judging you negatively.

I mean people can judge you anyway they like. You can’t tell them to like you or hate you. They see you as who you are. Although how people see you will definitely affect your life (especially your emotion) but by the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter.

Nobody knows you more than you know yourself. You can tell others lie but you can never lie to yourself. You will always know the truth and judgment is only fair when it there’s truth…the real truth.

I can only wish all this mental torture would end but since I know far too well it won’t, I am determined to accept it as what it is and just smile and shrugged it off.

Bak kata my friend, “kalau awak make sure diaorg masuk syurga pun belum tentu diaorg akan maafkan awak”…..i know babe….and I can only pray….give some solace to their heart like I have in mine…

Stop hitting yourself with the hammer

Why do we do that?

Keep on hitting ourselves with the hammer?

Cuz when we finally stop, it feels so good

And slowly it becomes an addiction to most of us

…

Stop stalking someone’s facebook page!

Then get all upset because of their posts…their status, their pictures, their comments, their friend’s post on their wall…etc

Never expect others to take care of your feelings

Take care of your own…and try your best not to hurt others in doing so

Life is simple…don’t make it harder than it is supposed to be

15 days ago

The students are back

We are swamp with more work

It used to be admin and research-related stuff only

Now there is teaching stuff as well

Besides humanitarian work

Haha

Humanitarian as in the sense of entertaining the student

Who knew students can bring so many dramas in our life?

No wonder some are quite cold

Xlarat nak layan kerenah bebudak semuanya

I m trying my best but the fact that I appear younger than any other makes me the easy target

They even have the audacity to ask me if I’ve graduated

Hoh

“Kalau saya belum graduate, macam mana saya nak ajar awak?” of course I said it with a smile…

Oohhh…must share with you guys about the 9^th Malaysia Genetic Congress

It was a 3 days congress at Pullman Hotel, Kuching

Suddenly I find myself in the working committee just days before the event

The best part is, suddenly I find myself the emcee for the 3 days event

The UKK only emceed the opening ceremony since it was being officiate by our dcm

The rest of that, it’s mine baybeh

Haha

I honestly had fun

As stressful as it was cuz so many decision and so many people I need to chase

But it was fun

So people, always challenge yourself to do something new every time you get the chance

(though this is not really new to me)

Met some interesting people

Met some really hardworking people

And makes me wanna be one of them

;)

Apart from that…really need to step up my game

I’ve been running in circle since I don’t know when

Though as a result the circle is getting larger

I refuse to run in circle anymore

I wanna climb the ladder as well

Good Luck to us! ;)

just an update

It’s officially outside office hour

But due to my low-tolerance towards traffic-jammed, I choose to leave the office later than the rest of us.

So what is up with me?

Nothing much...

I’ve been running here and there for the last couple of weeks.

Raya has been a perfect combination of family, friends and food.

The fact that I lose few kilos allows me to indulge as much as I can without feeling that guilty.

(and now I am facing the consequences! The event is just few months away and I m as chubby as ever..adoiii)

Last night was such bliss. I want to compliment myself for successfully organizing a reunion dinner for us. (Though there’s nothing much to ‘organize’ really…with facebook everything is so simple n direct).

I highly recommend steamboat for any sorts of casual-fun-friends gathering. Last night was truly fun and I hope the rest of us agree with me.

Thanks to a friend for suggesting Heritage Garden Steamboat, Jalan Nanas, Kuching! ;)

Yesterday is the meet-the-lecturer day for our new students. The fact that my kj chose a picture of me eating (or rather me sitting at a dinner table with fork in my hand n a plate of spaghetti n chips in front of me and me smiling so widely) actually make the hall burst with laughter. The rest of the lecturer has their passport-pic shown….isk…except me…haha…but that’s ok…I love that picture anyway… :P and I hope the student will remember me more..ngeh ngeh ngeh…

To you…thanks…you helped me to make this all a reality…thank you

;)

Kerinduan

There must b a reason why we get along so well
Though we met not so long ago....felt like we've known each other for a lifetime
The vibe we send to each other is crazily synchronized (synchronize?! Iskk...xjumpa better word).....
I hope its d same way around
There is no way we can fake our chemistry attraction rite?
I m excited today cuz if everythin goes on smoothly,
The present from me will reach its destination
We love love love to eat..though we can be picky at times..
But i m sure, this present will make everyone happy!
Especially me....hehehe......(fiela over excited! Iskkkk....)

Cant wait to meet again! Although my heart breaks each time i left....but i promise....jika ada jodoh....i will return! ;)


P/s: i m single...stop saying i have a boyfriend! Start praying for me instead! :p

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Xkan pernah cukup

Masa xkan pernah cukup
It has been months since i have d luxury of lazing around all day...or at least half a day
Then i realized my time is soooo limited cuz i sleep 7hours/day!
Need to stop this beauty-sleep of mine n start being mo productive
Dalam mengejar nikmat2 yg ada..i need to manage my time more wisely
I have yet to complete my reading...ssss!
I have trouble to concentrate what i m doing...i wud spend less than 10mins reading before my mind bugs me to do something else...eg housechores
Do u guys have any idea how much time n energy spend to keep a clean n orderly house?
Salute to all moms n housewives out there.....especially my mom!
I can no longer say i m bored....i can only say...ya ampun....ney pergi masa yg ada?
Its true...masa xkan menunggu kita
Dan setiap detik yg berlalu xkan pernah dapat dikembalikan
So....spend ur time wisely
& spend few minutes a day to tell d person u love/miss that u do love/miss them...eg ur parents...ur siblings...ur cousins...ur friends....poke them on fb...i believe they will smile even if its just a poke...(but spend less time on fb....get real people!)....

Hokey....mok mandi...perlu hanta my cousin ke airport...told u i dont have d luxury to laze around anymore....but i m lovin it...keeps me occupied....physically n mentally! ;)

p/s: dont forget to smile at urself today...look into ur eyes n smile n tell urself how lucky u r to be who u r today...n how u will improve urself to be better...to b the best... :D

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Bukan menyesali

Pernah skali, i said this out loud, " funny how life turns out" ...

Big mistake cuz at that moment i was with a friend who is going through 'hell' ....he knows it n i know it....unfortunately that makes him feels like any other trouble in life (beside his) is just a tiny-mini bump in life.

I m not regretting what had happened to me....let alone mourning over it for too long....

I've learn long ago that never ever asked urself the 'what if' question....when something had happened, let it be good or bad, dont start to ask yourself the 'what if....'....oprah winfrey told me so... :p

I m not perfect....but i m trying to be....we r not perfect....but we can try to be.... ;)

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I want everybody to love me

...I would throw anyone under the bus if I have too

That is the reality here

Trashing A in front of B so that B like/love you?

And pretend to be kind to A behind B?

And trashed B in front of A so that A like/love you as well?

How fake are you?

How desperate are you to be love/like by everyone?

Come on guys….don’t have to trash anyone even if you don’t like them.

What is the point of doing so?

Sooner or later the truth will resurface…

Mom tells us not to lie right?

Mom tells us to be nice to everyone right?

Be nice to others and others will be nice to you

Be sincere to others and others will be sincere to you

Kita tak di janjikan selamanya

So it has been a while since we were together…

Cant really sure what is the purpose of this post…

But 1 thing I’ve been meaning to say to you is, if you can find your inner solace for a moment, can you please forgive me for all the pain we’ve caused to you and your family?

I know you so well till I know it is impossible for you to say it to me out loud, but I do believe that deep inside you knew what happened to us till we are where we are now. You are like a sour-candy with soft-sweet-filling inside…that makes you who you are today…I want to believe that about you and I believe I am right.

Never in a million years had I hated you for anything that had happened. True, more than once, at the heat of the moment, I said, “I hate you!”…like a small child I would cry for all the anger and pain inside of me.

Looking back, I realized how childishly we handled our situation. Looking back, I wish for nothing more than both of us growing up more maturely. It is not too late dear. We need it for our future relationship…you with yours and me with mine.

Send my regards to your sisters. I know everything they did is just a loving-act of supporting and protecting their one and only brother. Same goes to them, if only they can find their inner solace, can they please forgive me for all the pain we’ve caused.

Let us move on.

I forgive you and your family for all the acts and words thrown to my family and me.

We wish for nothing more than leaving this chapter behind…without leaving the lesson learnt from it.

Salam sejahtera ke atas mu…semoga berbahagia dunia akhirat…

assumption...

u suka buat ur own assumption...pastu bila something happened...something datz different from ur assumption u akan kata,"i xsangka....."

sape soh u buat assumption in the first place?

u fikir semua orang di dunia ni baik?
u fikir orang takkan sampai hati nak buat ape2? just because u are their friends?

wake up la...stop living in a fairy tale...dunia ni kejam...there's only a handful of people yang sememangnya benar2 ikhlas...the rest of us...well...xyah cakap la...sendiri mau tau

.....


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A good Moving-On Song...

Sweet..direct...honest...forgiving

Kosong dah berisi
Semua nikmat menjelma kini
Dunia tak pernah lagi
Seindah hari yang ini

Puas aku pelajari
Menilai buruk baik
Kini terang jalan ku temui jadi

(korus)
Ku mahu solo, sendiri
Takkan ku diam hanya kerna gagal sekali
Ku mahu solo, berlari
Mencari anugerah hidupku ini

Ku sudah solo, resah berlalu
Ringannya rasa hati
Untuk memilih lagi
Yang pasti lebih baik untukku

Puas aku pelajari
Menilai buruk dan baik
Kini terang jalan ku temui jadi

(Korus)
Ku mahu solo, sendiri
Takkan ku diam hanya kkerna gagal sekali
Ku mahu solo, berlari
Mencari anugerah hidupku ini

(Altimet)
Aku solo, sekarang sendiri,mungkin lebih baik jika begini
Aku solo, tapi tak sunyi, senyap sekejap kembali berbunyi
Ingat bila kita selalu bersama bagaikan satu ke mana mana
Siapa sangka kita berpisah, tak kecil hati, kita tak kisah
Jadi bila jumpa bertegur sapa, aku ok, ku harap kau pun sama
Kita tak dijanjikan selamanya, ku harap kau berjaya dalam segalanya

my cewi-ness! ;)

Another weekend

Another trip to the mainland…

Mainland? Okey…another trip to the peninsular Malaysia!

Last trip was so much fun I cant stop smiling remembering them

But this week has been crazy hectic I barely have the time to blog about it!

My readings are piling up!

Mom is encouraging me to read The Secret!

I am still halfway through E.I (not gonna give you guys the details!)..haha

I am also halfway through Novel Untuk Asyikin, a Malay novel written by my ayahanda. He asked me to read it for motivational purposes and now halfway through, I can relate myself to Asyikin in that novel…thanks ayahanda…

Just now I went to Centre for Academic Information Services @ Cais …(it’s just a fancy name we have for our library … :P ) ..’

Anyway… apart from the dry-facts-academic-only books, I came across a book called “The wound of the unloved’ …. I’ve read the first few pages and felt wow…I don’t feel like I am unloved…I am very much loved especially by my parents and siblings! But I would highly recommend the book for those who always felt unloved and unwelcome and such. The writer is actually a psychologist and the book was written based on his own case studies and such. I believe it can help many of us… the wound of the unloved…hmmm….quite a depressing title…gonna read it anyway! Maybe I will share some of the content later! ;)

Oh well…so much for my update! Thanks for reading! Hehehe…got a flight to catch in 2 hours time and I have yet to pack my bag….ihatepacking.com

Smile people Smile!

p/s: cewi means excited... ;)

...

Kadang2 bila orang layan kita baik sangat, like we are family, kita akan kata dengan diri sendiri,"alhamdulillah. I must have done something right till i deserve this".

Orang-orang yang seikhlasnya baik, bila bersatu dan kita pula cukup bertuah untuk jadi sebahagian daripada 'persatuan' itu, kita akan rasa,"ya Allah. Wujud rupanya manusia ikhlas sebegini".

Orang baik itu ramai, tapi berapa ramai yang ikhlas? Seikhlasnya baik dengan orang lain tanpa mengharapkan balasan...

(I know i am gonna leave this place with tears in my eyes. They welcome me like i m family...like i've known them for years...)

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there's a reason I said I will be happy alone

it wasn't cause I thought I would be happy alone

it was because I thought if i love someone

and that fell apart

I might not make it

It's easier to be alone

because what if you learn that you need love

and then you don't have it

what if you like it and lean on it

what if you shape your life around it

and then it falls apart

can you even survive that kind of pain?

losing love is like organ damage

it's like dying

the only different is death ends

this

it could go on forever

grey's anatomy_season 7 finale

my friend's advice

friend 1 is a health-freak...I know freak is not really a good word...but in this case he is...in a respectful way. He is the 1st guy I met who knows what it takes to be healthy n live by the rules for years. Such discipline deserves a standing ovation from me! (My self-discipline in my eating n work-out habit is crazy terokkk! isk)
anyway, his tips to be healthy n happy is simple...eat healthily, work out and socialize. Eat healthily, work out n socialize (not just in fb! deactivate your fb for a while and start socializing in real world people!)

Then there is this girl. I’ve known her for a while now. i love her so much till years apart can’t even grow any distance between us. over the years i watched her grow into a lady...her laugh changed from hahaha to hihihi ( heh heh...but its true...real lady dont even laugh. they just smile n smile some more)... anyway...her advice to me is pray....and pray....recite al Quran n zikir and always think about our maker... she even gave me a cd full with qasidah n listening to it gives me a sense of tranquility...

3rd friend of mine...he is more direct...more than once he 'slapped' me hard with his words. sometimes he 'shakes' me with his anger. Once in a blue moon he would talk to me nicely (hehe:..yesss! awak jahat dgn saya but I m grateful for that!) and his advice is, be objective. Whenever a problem occurs, study it and set your objective on solving it. dont let your emotion sway your rationality (ok.lets stop here...in this case, for me, its imposibble to decide without puting some feeling into it...so for me, I would balance both...or rather a little bit of emotion and a whole lot of rational thinking...at least that is what I am trying to do..though being a girl we tend to follow our emotion rather than our rational thinking)...

there u go...I have a great great group of friends and my secret is, be friends with everyone...and be a good friend to them...( I hope I m a good friend! ;) ) and they advice me alot! I mean that is what friends are for...besides the seasonal mintak chia..haha...