Whole new level of heartbreak...

Sometimes things happened and it changed your perspective towards other things.

Things happened and it somehow opens your eyes and changes your attitude towards other people.

I learned a whole new level of heartbreak last week. Even after one week, I can’t get over it. I’ve been ruminating about blogging this cuz it is supposed to be kept a secret. After a while I thought there is no harm of sharing as long as I didn’t give out the details.

Though no words can exactly describe what I feel after I saw what I saw.

Usually, each child has their own adults attending to their needs. Kids especially those ages around 4 or 5 years need attention…they are still struggling to feed themselves and always need the help of adults in their life. Most of the kids we know are lucky. They have their parents or siblings or uncles and aunts and cousins and so on to help them even with the menial task…even to just make sure they get a goodnight kiss each night.

Imagine kids who don’t have such pleasure…such help…I was there for them for only about 1 hour or so; to feed one or two of them, help them to pour their drinks and chat with them, entertained them the way kids love. 

I looked around and i feel so helpless. There are more than 20 of them. They are kids without parents, kids without elder sisters or brothers to help them with, kids without adults that they can truly rely on. Even if they do have elder sisters, the sister couldn’t help much, she still need help on her own. She still needs adults to take care of her.

Saying goodbye is the hardest bit. Without thinking, I hug and kiss their cheek as we were saying goodbye, those were the kids that I talked with. Before I know it, others, perhaps they have been watching me hugging their friends, come over and say, “boleh hug kah kakak?”…that is how much they deprived love. Of course…I hug them as I feel my heart breaking to pieces and tears welling up in my eyes.

One of them asked me, “esok kakak datang agik kah?”…. but she cut herself short. She knew that is not possible. I knew that is not possible. As badly as I wanted to, I was not allowed to come and go as I pleased.

In a way, they are the lucky ones. They have food and shelter. They still get the attention from those working there. There are people who care and organized such function for them. Even though it is not that much, but at least they are not on the streets, starving and cold. They are clean and get the education they very much needed….

But compared to us? Who are the lucky ones?!

…

Happy Birthday Me.

 I love august particularly because of today. I know. I am that narcissist.

Today has been ok. Apart from the shocking sms I got early in the morning ( yup…shocking…xperlu bermusuh…p xperlu berkawan…lets go our separate ways)….apart from that, other sms/msgs has been nothing but warm and sweet. Like this soft gooey caramel that tasted so warm and just enough sweetness. I love my friends and thankfully they love me to. (again…I am that narcissist). Haha

My little sisters bought a variety of cake for me. Being a crazy-cake-lover, I am jumping up and down. I literally jump up and down as she tries to arrange the different type of cake into one round-piece of cake. There are even candles and all. That is truly sweet of her. ;)

I am 26 today. There are parts of me so grateful of who I am and where I am now and part of me yearning for more. But it’s good I still have that yearning. Meaning I still have some hope and dreams inside of me.

I am looking forward to next week…..Raya Raya Raya! ;)

Well Well Well

Check this out!

2ndly…

Behold Readers!

LOL

I’m sorry for hiding my blog for a week or two…I’ve been to busy to post

a new blog hence I’ve decided to take a step back from this blogging-world (agak menyampah ngn statement nie…huhuhu)

3rdly

It’s finally autumn here and the weather is damn nice…but freezing at night. I love autumn. It’s like the gothic-version of spring. Hehe….i cant really explain it but that’s how I see it.

There’s main event for every season here (or elsewhere perhaps) …

Winter – Snowboarding … I am definitely going this year… Insya Allah….

Spring – Hanami (hanami ke? Jadi confuse jap)…anyway it literally means watching-flower… so hanami is actually picnic under the Sakura Trees that would blossoms for few weeks usually late march to early april every year. Its pretty awesome cuz the sakura would slowly fell like snow…giving us owh-so-romantic-feeling … (hence the name snow-drop in some country .. & cherry-blossoms in other)…

Summer – Hanabi Taikai ( Firework Display and I mean massive firework display…including up to 2-3 hours of display with lots of different colour and shape of firework…so far my favorite is the shape of Heart and Smiley..there’s also bow/candy, some Japanese character, sunflower, flower, fish, famous Japanese cartoons etc) ..this is my favorite…I never get bored watching this…

Then now Autumn! So usually we will go and se the autumn leaves… koyou is what the called it… this year I was so lucky cuz my fiancé (ehemm…I m mentioning you real nicely here! :p ) ….my fiancé organize a doraibu (road-trip) to Sendai and on our way, we make a stop at Zao Echoline…the view was definitely breathtaking..so unbelievably beautiful….my camera and photo-taking technique definitely didn’t do justice to the scenic view…but maybe this can give u the idea…

the sky is crazy-beautiful that day. Crazy-Beautiful! That is where i discovered my clouds-fetish! :p

this is Zao Echoline...its actually a highway(?) i dont know how to describe it....imagine how we used to hike into the wild? well this is driving-into the nature....the road is amazing! its crazy how they manage to maintain such a good road (not bumpy watsoever) in this secluded but tourist-packed area!

oh well...the truth is, we went there a little bit early...hence the leaves are not totally 'autumnized' yet...

Indah kan ciptaan Allah… ;)

p/s: my deepest condolences to all Indonesian for the enraging act of Mother nature on their land… I know my country will definitely send rescue-team…so jangan attack diaorg k? we are just tryin to help..Let puts our differences aside for a while and unite as human…

vioLenCe

My Dearest,
I’ve missed you very, very much since that last night we were together, and will hold that night especially in my memories for years to come. I’ve been turning it over and over in my mind lately.
I’ve read your letter through at least four times, and will probably read it more times before I’m through. I’ve been sitting here, looking at your picture and getting more homesick every minute. I’ve wanted that picture more than anything else I know of, except, of course, you yourself.
I keep thinking of you, Darling, keep wishing I could be home with you. I want to leave in the worst possible way so I can come home to see you, but things don’t look so good on that subject. But this war has spoiled a lot of things for everyone, I guess.
I’ve never been so lonesome in my life as I am right now. I’m completely lost without you, Darling. I never realized I could miss any one person so much. I just hope it won’t be too much longer until I’m able to be with you again… and live a sane and normal life.

_blink 182_

Live Like You're Dying

One of these days you'll be
under the covers, you'll be
under the table and you'll realize.

That all of your days are numbered;
all of them one to one hundred.
All of them millions.
All of them trillions.
So what are you gonna do with them all?
You can not trade them in for more...

No no

Take every moment; you know that you own them.
It's all you can do, use what's been given to you.

Give me a reason to
fight the feeling
that there's nothing here for me.

Cause none of its easy,
I know it wasn't meant to be.
I know it's all up to me.
It's all up to me.
So what am I gonna do with my time?

Oooh

Ill take every moment, I know that I own them.
It's all up to you to do whatever you choose.

Live like you're dying and never stop trying.
It's all you can do, use what's been given to you.

All of the moments you didn't notice;
gone in the blink of an eye.
And all of the feelings you couldn't feel
no matter how you try.

Oh oh

Take every moment; you know that you own them.
It's all up to you,
to do whatever you choose.

Live like you're dying and never stop trying.
It's all you can do, use what's been given to you.

Live like you're dying and never stop trying.
It's all up to you, use what's been given to you.

_lenka_

Mother_Seamo

Be my mother forever
Be well forever
You still have one more job left to do
And that’s to accept your son’s love and respect for you…
Hi Mother, Dear Mother, how are you doing?
Sorry I haven’t called recently, I’m getting by okay…
*Your body is small and so are your hands
White hairs are mixed in and you’ve grown more genial
But to me you’re still bigger than anything, stronger than anyone
I want to tell my kids about this love that supported me

Even though I grow impatient when I’m near you
When you’re far away from me I grow lonely
That’s who you are to me, you can cut through any problem and solve it
And you have the most patience and toughness of anyone I know
You would always be concerned over my well-being before your own

Cooking, doing the laundry, cleaning, raising a child
You even worked during your free time
You would only require things from the lowest places
I didn’t understand even though it was so obvious
It wasn’t until I started living by myself that I understood
Whenever I think of how much you’ve accomplished
And how hard it must have been, I feel like I can try my best today

I’d say, “Wake me up at seven a.m.”
And you would wake me up right on time
But I would be unfair to you
And say the words “shut up” while I was still half-asleep
This was the daily routine
You never made one tired face
And woke me up every day
Warmer and more accurately than any alarm clock

But then one day I skipped school and said, “I don’t wanna go”
I wouldn’t leave my futon and you stood in front of me
Hid your face with both hands and cried loudly
I also felt sad and cried
At that time I blamed myself wondering, “How could I be so stupid?”

Your body is small and so are your hands
White hairs are mixed in and you’ve grown more genial
But to me you’re still bigger than anything, stronger than anyone
I give you thanks for this love that supported me, my mother

I know there’s nothing more painful in the world
Than a parent burying their child
So I’ll make sure it never happens
Even if I only live one second longer than you
I’ll make sure of it…

I’m glad I’m your child
I’m glad you’re my mother
And that won’t ever change
It won’t ever change for all time
Because I am the very image of you…

...

...

sometimes it is so hard to prove to someone how much we love...how much we care about them...no matter how hard we tried....even when that person is in your arms....they can still doubt the love you have for them.....

...

...
we can sew the flesh
repair the damage
ease the pain

but when life breaks down
when we break down
there's no science
there's no hard and fast rule
we just have to feel our way through
...

Just Breathe

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just a day, he sat down to the flask in his fist,
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
And breathe, just breathe
Woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

_anna nalick_

Lucky

Lyrics | Jason Mraz lyrics - Lucky lyrics

..be gentle with Me...

Staring up into the solar system,
All the stars are fixed up in the sky.
I just want to sparkle for a moment
Before I just fizzle out and die.

I'm happy because I'm stupid.
Scared of spiders, scared of flying.
If I wasn't so happy,
I wouldn't be so scared of dying.

So just be gentle with me
(I'm not as young as I was)
And I'll be gentle with you
I'm not as brave as I thought
'Cause my heart gets broken so easily.
So just be gentle, be gentle with me.

Wide awake, waiting like a target
Listening for things I cannot see.
Insects flutter up against my window.
I don't like the way they look at me

i guess I've always needed
To be needed by someone.
It's a comforting feeling
Being under someone's thumb.

So just be gentle with me
(And if I am ever mean)
And I'll be gentle with you
I never mean to be mean
'Cause I want to pick peaches off of a cherry tree.
Just be gentle, be gentle, be gentle,
Be gentle with me.

So just be gentle with me
Trouble is sometimes
And I'll be gentle with you
I just can't switch myself off
When I want to so I never do
Because I'm mental, be gentle, be gentle,
Just be gentle, be gentle, be gentle
And I'll be gentle, be gentle, be gentle,be gentle with you.

Beautifully Imperfect

Adulthood

Remember when you were a kid and your biggest worry was like if you get a bike for your birthday or if you get to eat cookie for breakfast...?

Being an adult…totally overrated.

I mean seriously…don’t be fooled by all the hot-shoes and the-no-parents-anywhere-telling-you-what-to-do.

Adulthood is responsibility.

Responsibility… it really does suck.

Really really sucks.

Adult have to be at places and do things and earn a living and pay the rent and if you are training to be a surgeon; hold a human heart in your hand.

Hello!

Talk about responsibility!

Kind of make bikes and cookie sounds really-really good…don’t it?

Unfortunately when you get past the age of braces and training bras, responsibility doesn’t go away.

It can’t be avoided; either someone makes us face it or we suffer the consequences.

And still adulthood has its perks.

I mean the shoes…the no-parent-anywhere-telling-what-to-do, that’s pretty damn good.... :P

_grey's anatomy season1_

Melawan Kesepian

Apapun yang terjadi
Berjalanlah tanpa henti
Air mata tertahan
Waktu untuk dijatuhkan

Nanti kita kan tahu
Betapa bijaknya hidup
Sepahit apapun ini
Pelajaran yang berarti

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apapun
Semoga mampu kulawan
Kesepianku

Apapun yang terjadi
Berjalanlah tanpa henti

_siti nurhaliza_

Katanya...

Ada orang pernah berkata ….bila berumahtangga, we deal with emotion each and every second. Not only have we had to deal with our own emotion, but also our spouse’s.

Ada orang kata…dalam satu-satu hubungan, yang paling penting adalah komunikasi…dan…what really matters is how you said it, not what you said.

Ada orang kata…bila dua orang saling menyayangi bertengkar dan tidak menemui perdamaian, itu adalah perasaan paling perit seorang insan boleh alami.

Ada orang kata, antara suami dan isteri, biasanya si isteri yang kena mengalah…biarpun ada masanya si isteri itu betul. Melainkan hati si isteri amat keras atau sudah terlalu terluka…maka dia tidak akan mengalah. Si isteri seringkali mengalah, biasanya bukan kerana merasakan dirinya bersalah, namun kerana sayangkan si suami dan rela korbankan perasaannya daripada korbankan hubungan itu…

Hati perempuan amat lembut dan amat mudah terguris…namun hati perempuan lebih kuat dari lelaki. Perempuan boleh melupakan hatinya yg sedang terguris demi memastikan orang yang dia sayangi gembira dan bahagia… (berapa ramai isteri yang bersabar walaupun didera fizikal dan mental oleh suaminya? Percayalah…isteri2 ini bukannya bodoh ataupun takut…namun terlalu sayangkan suaminya…hanya perempuan boleh memahami perasaan ini yang sebenarnya…)


p/s: itu yang orang kata atau yang saya baca…mana yang benar dan mana yang tidak, terpulanglah kepada akal fikiran dan kewarasan kita… :)

mAd.

She's staring at me,
I'm sitting, wondering what she's thinking.
Nobody's talking cause talking just turns into screaming.
And now is I'm yelling over her, she's yelling over me.
All that that means is neither of us is listening,
and what's even worse that we don't even remember why were fighting.

So both of us are mad for nothing
But we won't let it go for nothing
This should be nothing to a love like what we got.

I know sometimes it's gonna rain...
But baby, can we make up now 'cause i can't sleep through the pain

Girl, i don't wanna go to bed mad at you,
And i don't want you to go to bed mad at me.

And it gets me upset, girl
When you're constantly accusing; asking questions like you've already known.
We're fighting this war, baby
When both of us are losing.
This ain't the way that love is supposed to go.

What happened to working it out.
We've fell into this place
Where you ain't backing down
And i ain't backing down.

So what the hell do we do now...
It's all for nothing.
Fighting for nothing.
Crying for nothing.
But we won't let it go for nothing.
This should be nothing to a love like what we got.

Oh baby this love ain't gonna be perfect,
And just how good it's gonna be.
We can't fuss and we can't fight
Long as everything all right between us
Before we go to sleep.

Baby, we're gonna be happy.

...

_neyo_

Hari Terakhir

Hari Terakhir, kau katakan semua yang bukan bukan

Bukannya permainan, bicara tentang percintaan

Cubaan, rintangan, halangan yang ku hadapi

Tuk menebuskan dosa lalu pada dirimu, tapi

Ku pasrah, harapan tuk bersamamu terus musnah

Naluri lantas menjadi tidak tentu arah

Hatiku bergelora, bibirku tergamam pabila

Kau lafazkan kata kata yang menusuk jiwa

Diriku kini terasa sepi, yang pasti

Sudah kau nyatakan diriku kini

Tidak dihargai, air mukamu keras tabah

Ku diusir dari hidupmu, ku rebah

Tapi ku akur dengan takdir, uh jangan khuatir

Kerana hubungan kita sudah menemui hari terakhir.

 

Hari Terakhir, kita bersama

Musnah segala impian dibina

Hari Terakhir, cukuplah sudah

Lupakan saja, detik bersama.

hari terakhir...

 

Ku makin tabah tuk menempuh

Ku tidak lagi rebah takkan jatuh

Ke alam sengsara, ku upaya

Untuk menjadi insan yang berguna

Menemui Shazzy buat ku sedar

Dirimu dan diriku tiada yang benar

Tertulis dalam coretan hidupku

Tiadanya lagi engkau dan aku

 

"Hey joe bukan niatku untuk kebas kasihmu,

Dude believe me aku tak tahu pun she's with you,

dia telah memikat hatiku, gadis jelita penawar sepi jiwa ku,

fahamlah kalau ku tahu kau masih cintainya,

langsung ku tak pandang tentu ku ambil kira,

perasaan mu kawan, so listen we cool right?

janganlah ambil hati,kan ku jagakan hunny.

cuz she's the one for me."

 

Tiada maaf bagimu

Hancur sudah diari cinta kita..oohh

Akan ku tempuhi dengan kesabaran

dan ku kan lupakan, ukiran hidup,

di hari terakhir....

 

Itulah dia coretan hidupku

Hubungan tiga segi, aku, dia dan kamu

Namun semuanya sudah berlalu

Diriku dan Shazee sudah pun bertemu

Ku jabatkan tangan persahabatan

C'mon jo, jangan lupakan kawan dan

Janganlah renggangkan hubungan ini

Lets make new day, for u and me.

_JFK Hunny ft. Shazzy_

Nothing Hurts Like Love

Broken hearts
Broken dreams
There just somethings that love brings
When you learn that its all been a lie
You cry
You find that

Nothing
Nothing
Nothing hurts like love
Nothing brings your heart so much pain
And you'll never learn
Till you get burned
Till your burned by the flame
Nothing hurts so bad
Nothing hurts so much
No nothing hurts like love

So you gave all you had
How the story turned so sad
Nothing left but the tears in your eyes
You die inside cuz

Nothing
Nothing
Nothing hurts like love
Nothing brings your heart so much pain
And you'll never learn
Till you get burned
Till your burned by the flame
Nothing hurts so bad
Nothing hurts so much
No nothing hurts like love

So dry your eyes
Its just your turn to learn
The time to find that nothing
Nothing

Nothing hurts like love
Nothing brings your heart so much pain
And you will never learn
Till you get burned
Till your burned by the flame
Nothing hurts so bad
Nothing hurts so much
No nothing hurts like love

_Daniel Bedingfield_